my blank canvas

When I purchased my ipod, it resembled a blank canvas. It brought me back to a memory of my brother just before he would start a new painting. My brother is an abstract painter. He is 22 years old and from as far back as I can remember he has been creating masterpieces out of anything and everything. I see my ipod as a masterpiece in the making. With his paintbrush in hand, he slowly began to create what was to be a beautiful piece. Every song on my ipod just like every brush stroke adds to the final product. My ipod is the soundtrack to my life. Music fills my heart with feeling, passion, and excitement just as a blank canvas does for my brother. My ipod is my blank canvas.

i love that im gay

i love being gay. i love not having to follow the "normal" life of getting married having kids.. mom and dad.. soccer and baseball games.. big family van.. my life will probably be like that.. just a little different.. but the thing is.. it can be whatever i want it to be. and that's awesome.. there are no standards.. no path to "follow"...

i take pride in the fact that im gay. it's probably my favorite part of my life. i love being gay. it's so different.. living your whole life in one place... everyone knows you... or everyone wants to know.. almost everyone back home knows im gay... and everyone knows anna.. and most of them love us. its so easy to go somewhere and everyone is talking about their boo and someone will ask me about anna :) back home i could hold her hand basically anywhere we went and i didn't give a fuck.

here is so different. i feel like everyone is judging me. i don't know them and it's the first thing they see... they don't know me. back home everyone knew me before i was gay so when i came out it wasn't a big deal. now... it's so weird.. and i try not to give a fuck... at all... and next time she's here.. it's going to be so different.. sometimes i get so caught up in what people think.... i don't at all at home.. but here is different.. im not in my element. but being gay is the best ever and i love it.. and who gives a fuck what other people think. sometimes i forget that it took me so long to get where i am now and i think everything should just be great right away.. but it takes time..

im not usually so weird about it.. but being here and not knowing very many people weirds me out. haha eh. fuck em' if they aren't cool with it.

and seeing anna this weekend really made me think. she just loves me and doesnt give a fuck where we are or whose watching... she just loves me and wants to be with me. sometimes i get mad at her for it but im so wrong when i do. i love her just as much and i can't wait to kiss her again in 5 days. :)

yay for gays

changes.

I'm moving to boston in 4 days.

holy shit. i can't believe i'm moving. when i decided to go to college in boston a year ago, i thought it would be such a great experience. i wanted to get away and see life in a new place with new people. totally outside of my comfort zone. well, i never actually thought the day would come. until now. and it's so weird. i love my family and my friends and my girlfriend and everyone in my life. i freaking love the bay area and i definitely want to move back here after college. i know a lot can change from now to then, but i really really love it here. i want to raise my kids here and start my family here. anyways, that's another blog. :)

im going to miss my brother so much. i know he lives in LA.. and during school i never see him anyway, but seriously it sucks so bad he's not gonna be close anymore. :( we spent every single day together this summer and it was honestly the best summer of my life. getting to know him.. for who he is. it was just amazing. and so much fun. he seriously is my other half. we just get each other and he's such an amazing person. i'd never trade him for anyone else in the world. he's the man. :)

my dad have such an amazing relationship. seriously he's my other half. i honestly believe we are the same person. we have so much fun together... he really is a best friend. we've definitely had our up's and down's but he really has been there for me.. through everything... coming out.. my surgeries.. just being there for me to talk to. im gonna miss talking to him every night. or watching games with him on TV and talking about them the next morning. :( im going to miss my mom a lot too. she's always there for me when my dad's being mean. haha shes the best. i love her to death.

my booboo is in NY now. again. ugh. i hate when shes there. i miss her a lot. it sucks that i can't see her for a while. our 18 months (year and a half) is coming up on 9/5 and i hope i get to see her! shes the best. i love her tons. everything is changing for me.. and it's hard because i hate change and i hate talking about it more. but it's nice to have someone to talk to no matter what. anytime i want. :) she's a very special girl and im happy she still puts up with me :) haha

poor lauren. my little high school friend. lol if you just met her you'd NEVER know shes in high school! haha. man it totally sucks im moving and shes staying here. she really has been my best friend through out this past year. she's the strongest.. most amazing 16 year old i have ever met in my entire life. i've watched her grow into an amazing person and i honestly feel like we came into eachothers lives at the PERFECT time. she has such a great head on her shoulders an im so excited to keep watching her grow up. :) she's the best and i love her tons.

i have some amazing people in my life... people who i totally fucked over in the past.. who have taught me the power of forgivness... it's just an amazing feeling... knowing i have people at home who are there for me.. who are wanting me to succeed and do well. :) i love them with all my heart... and i will never forget them.

i love my life here in the bay area and as much as im dreading moving to the east coast.. i feel like i am ready to start my life... and move on. everyone will be here when i get back.. and i need to keep going with my life. Meet new people.. start over... i can finally be the person i want to be from the beginning.. to the end. and that's an amazing feeling. it's a fresh start and i ready. finally. :)

proomiissseee

what would you say if i asked you not to go
to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
would you take my hand and never let me go
promise me you'll never let me go

and the stars aren't out tonight,
but neither are we to look up at them
why does hello feel like goodbye?
these memories can't replace,
these wishes i wished and these dreams i chased
take this broken heart and make it right

i feel like i lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
i thought you should know,
you're not making this easy

i never thought i'd be the one to say
please don't, please don't leave me

i feel like i lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
i thought you should know,
you're not making this easy

you're not making this easy... (easy, easy, easy...)

take my hand and never let me go,
take my hand and never let me go,
promise me...
you'll never let go
make this last forever

i feel like i lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
i thought you should know, you're not making this easy

you're not making this easy

tiger lily

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go...
i'll never let go.
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
'i'll be going through withdrawl of you for this one night we have spent.'
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept 'someday, somehow'
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i... don't want to speak these words.
cause i, don't want to make things anyworse.

why does tonite, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i... don't want to speak these words.
cause i, don't want to make things anyworse.

life...

life is crazy

and i have absolutely no idea what I'm doing

I thought I did... but I really don't

everything used to be so black and white... so simple..

now..

it's just really confusing.


everything is about to change in 4 days.

any day now

If you know my destination please buy me the fastest car and throw me the keys.


'Cos what if what we see is all, is all we've got?

'Cos finger by finger we're losing grasp and

I'm questioning the reason why nothing beautiful does last...