I wish time would just STOP. NOW.

I can't believe my last post was August 18th. I can't say I've been too busy to write because that would be a lie. I've been in a constant state of writers block for four months. I'm going home for winter break in 2 days. Goodbye Boston, hello sunny CALIFORNIA. I can't wait to see my family and friends but to say I'm one-hundred percent ready to go home would be a lie. I'm dreading December 16th. I wish that time would just stop. Right now. I wish that 12-am didn't mean the new day began. It makes me want to stay up every night and not sleep a wink if it means I get that extra 6-8 hours here. I honestly don't think I've ever wanted to not go home before. I can't even let myself think about it because the thought of being gone for a whole month blows my mind. It's inconceivable. I don't think it will actually hit me until I'm home in my own bed, alone. It's not that I think things are going to change and never be the same, but I feel like I'm going to miss out on so much of life here. I don't want to miss ANYTHING and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that I won't physically be here freaks me out. I know things will be better than ever when I get back, but that's hard to put in my head right now when all I want to do is cry at the thought of being gone for 32 days. I guess I always get this way when I am traveling back and fourth but usually it's the same thing, 'I don't want to leave CALIFORNIA' or 'I can't wait to leave boston'... I'm on the other side of that this time and it's messing with my head. All I know is I'm not going to mess this one up. Let's just say I can't wait for January 18th, 7:30am :)

But the ticket.. Take the ride..

Do you ever just look out the window and stare out into space? Into the unknown? I feel like every time I look out the window there is a place I want to explore... A place I want to see... A picture I want to take. I love summer. Not only is there no school and beautiful weather, but I have so much free time. Time for myself to do whatever I want, whenever I want. No school, no practices, nothing. Just a lot of fun, stress-free time. In 8 days I'll be back in MA with a new start. A new school, new people, new friends, new teammates, new room, new classes, new life. New has always been a problem for me but this time I'm embracing it, not running from it. I am soaking it all up like the sponge I am. I'm single and for the first time in my life I am completely fine with that. I like the fact that I can be independent and not need to be with someone. I love myself and I love the fact that I can be alone and not be lonely. It's a great feeling and it's a sign that my life is heading in the right direction..

I have learned so much about myself this summer. I have learned about my likes and dislikes and what is important to be and what isn't. Life should be stress-free and beautiful. The people in your life should benefit it and if they don't then they don't deserve your time and energy. Obviously, life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, but for majority of the time life should be filled with happiness. And if it's not then you fix it. I think the best part of this summer has been my reevaluation of my life. I took control of my life and I made it my own. I broke off a relationship that in my heart wasn't working, no matter how hard it was and how bad it hurts, it unhealthy for my happiness. Not so much the other person but the situation and how terrible it was to feel unhappy with something that should be the best feeling in the world. I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I'm trying to get my life back on track.

I've learned SO many lessons this summer. You really do find out who your friends are. I think it's amazing what love will do to you. I've done so many things for other people my entire life and I always try to please everyone. I make the effort. I try to keep everyone happy. I make shit happen. And I'm done with it. And I decided to no longer care about the things I can't control. I can't care about what other people do or say. I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.. and if people don't appreciate me or take me for granted.. it's their loss. I am an amazing person and if you don't want to be in my life.. and appreciate our friendship.. then don't be.. I will survive.. Word's don't mean a damn thing to me.. It's what you DO not what you SAY that makes you who you are.. and how people perceive you.. Keep that in mind..

I have my entire life ahead of me.. this is only the beginning.. I'm buying the ticket.. and taking the ride..

A Swift Sunset

Isn’t it funny how pieces come together
Just as other pieces start to come unglued
I don’t think we’re ever going to finish this portrait
This funny looking picture of me and you

“A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.”

gravity

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

make a wish

And it's okay if you have go away; Oh just remember the telephone works both ways

There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Sing how far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles

and the livin's easy..

“It’s funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding that exact point when everything changed.”

night owl

“Writers tend to work early in the morning, or late at night, when brains are naturally able to focus deeply on one thought. In the middle of the day, distractions are unavoidable. I wonder if anything worthwhile has ever been written in the afternoon.”~Scott Adams

I am pretty sure that all of my best work has been written at night. I don't know why, but I feel this independence that I normally don't feel when the sun is out. I love it. It's like I come alive, like I can really live, like I could go to the moon and back and still be ready for any adventure that comes my way, until dawn. It's the most amazing feeling. The one thing I love about living far from the city lights is the dark night sky. The past week I have just been in awe of it's beauty. I've always loved and appreciated the night sky, but for some reason, lately it is different. Who knows maybe I am seeing it with new eyes, but whatever it is, I don't want it to end. You know those moments when you just know things are going to be ok? You know, the feeling when you take a deep breath and suddenly all the worries in the world don't seem to matter? When you're hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there's moments we have every now and then where we just stop and and we get this feeling, that can't even be explained, but you just feel like everything is really going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning and everything was just clear. That is how I feel when I look at the stars in the sky. Sometimes I wish people could see things the way I do. The pure beauty in the most simple things. But then I realize if everyone saw it the way I do, it wouldn't be as special. I guess I have a different outlook on things than other people. I believe that love is the sole purpose we are on this earth. Love and compassion, in every form and I will always believe that. I don't let negative thoughts get me down or even negative people. I try to be optimistic through anything that happens to me. I see it as, that was meant to happen so lets deal with it and make the best of it. I try to see the best in people and sometimes that is my downfall. Whatever my plan is... well my plan is to be surprised.

cee, see, sea

“The cure for everything is saltwater- sweat, tears, or the sea.”

on the dash

Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes and try

To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter

When he drives into the late day sun
You can see her set of footprints

He ain't going to clean that windshield

I want to make it with you

"I Love You So Much" -- Hive Artist

“It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile and kiss their face gently before turning back around and somehow, an involuntary grin forms on your face. Just before you drift off to sleep, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know…”

Life on the other side

Welcome back, I guess? It's amazing how things change... how life works. I can honestly say that life is one hell of a ride. Life is filled with so many exciting twists and turns. Hop off the straight and narrow whenever you can and take the winding paths. Experience the exhilaration of the view from the edge. Because the moments spent there, that take your breath away, are what make you feel truly alive.

quotes from my ipod <3

-I saved up all my sunshine just to see you more clear
-Home is anywhere you are too
-Plan to be surprised<3
-You drive me to distraction
-We climb on 2x2 to make sure these days continue, things we can not change
-If i lay here...Would you lay with me and just forget the world
-I need your grace to remind me to find my own
-Forget what we're told, before we get too old
-holding on things that vanished left me in pieces but now im rising from the ashes, all that I needed was there all along, within my reach, as close as the beat of my heart
-I'm ready to run keeping my feet on the ground, arms open wide, face to the sun
-"I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love it's time that I realize
-what it takes to be number one vince

thoughts from my ipod-May

I'm leaving Boston tomorrow night and it's bittersweet. I have grown to love this place. I really dont want to leave. I wish the people I'm excited to see at home could just come here with me. I wish my friends and fam lived out here. But I guess that would defeat the purpose of coming out here in the first place then huh? :] I just really love experiencing 4 seasons. Seeing the leaves changing to falling off the tree to the blankets of snow covering the ground for most of the year to cherryblossoms blooming. It's just a really beautiful place. Honestly I feel as the seasons changed so did I. I am in a completely different place than I was when the leaves were reds, oranges and yellows. I love it. I finally feel ready to begin life again. I guess I'm just like the flowers blooming. It's a nice feeling. I'm finally getting to the other side of where my life used to be. And that is great. I just want to be back to where I was before and I'm getting there.
I played sports again this year for the first time in over 12 months!! What an awesome feeling!! And the best part of the year was playing softball again and being Rookie of the Year for the TCCC. :] I am so proud of myself. All of the pain and 2 surgeries and tears and missing my senior year in both sports it was all worth it. It's a starting point. And I'm ready to work hard this summer and come back next year stronger, faster, and better. I just hope my ankle hangs in there. It is definitely not 100%, and I can't wait until it is. :]

thoughts from my ipod-March

"Say what you need to say." It seems like I always do my best work on
air planes. Who knows, maybe it's the feeling of independence or the
deep thoughts that come with music. Music that is filled with deep
lyrics which spark emotion in every way imaginable. Whatever it is, it
always happens to me... As I'm sitting on this plane to Myrtle Beach
I've been thinking a lot about change. In the past year and a half
the only constant theme in my life has been change. I used to be
afraid of change. I hated it and I never wanted to face it. It's
ironic because these days all I can relate to is change. I change the
things I can control to benefit my life. But what about the things I
can't control? Do those benifit me aswell? A year and a half ago I
would have said no they only caused me pain and brought my life more
inconvenience. I have a hard time with things beyond my control. But
as I grow and mature I see more and more that change is a great thing.
These experiences are opening my eyes to things I need to work on to
become a better person. I am accepting the things I need to work on
and embracing them instead of being too proud to change. I feel, if I
never changed my enviornment and moved across the country I would not
be the person I am today. I took a risk and just went with it. I
barely thought twice. And with that my entire life changed. I am much
more independent and I feel that I am growing and learning more than I
ever would have on the west coast. It's not so much the location but
more the action ofmoving. I am seeing life in a whole new light... And
it's a great feeling. I am becoming who I want to be more and more
everyday. I am not afraid to be who I am and I am open to every new
experience that comes my way. I am forces to make decisions I never
have before. I've learned to let go of things that were holding me
back. There is no more comfort blanket. It's just pure life. The heart
aches and the smiles, I feel it all and I love it. When I moved out
here I had an idea of what the next 4 years were going to be like... I
had it all mapped out. The amazing part is my life is not even close
to the map I had sketches out. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I
can't imagine my life any differently.

"PLAN TO BE SURPRISED" <3

"Life gets that much harder it makes you that much stronger. Some
pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned."

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react
to what happens; not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we
bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive
thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst... A spark that
creates extraordinary results."

thoughts from my ipod-December

Today just like 5 months ago I am on a plane to boaton starting my journey all over again. It's pretty fucking crazy when I think about how much has changed in the past 5 months. It's hard to believe I'm single and semi ok with it. I don't really know where to begin or where to end because even I don't know what I'm thinking most of the time and I hate that. I miss being completly sure of my feelings for another person. It's the worst feeling in the world being completely head over heels in love and having all of that gone in a day. If live learned anything in the past 5 months its people are fucking crazy and you never know what they are going to say or do. Honestly, you can only really trust yourself and if your lucky, your family. I mean I am a very trustworthy person I've never really had trust issues but these days words have no meaning. They are just words. Maybe I have a wall up and I'm just waiting to feel something real again and the only way to
break down my wall is to find someone worth being vulnerable with. I haven't been this lost in a long time, in a way it's kind of refreshing. I used to think my life plan was already sketched out for me. And maybe it's my fault for following it. I forget I am so young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I guess I'm just not very good at being single. I care about people way too much to share. That's just part of who I am I guess, but maybe that is a good thing. I am in no rush for a relationship or anything serious I guess I just want a best friend. Someone to care about and cuddle with. Or maybe I have no idea what I want or even if what I want and need are the same thing. All I know is I am starting a new semester in a semi-new place and I'm ready. Bring it on. People come in and out of your life with every new experience, the trick is finding someone who will be there through it all. All I can say is... Plan to be surprised

american beauty

It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.



this clip makes my heart feel again... it is the epitome of what i feel when i am here in boston. it puts everything im feeling into words and motion. there is so much beauty here i can't handle it. i saw a leaf falling from a tree yesterday and i just stopped to watch it. it was the most graceful thing i have ever seen. it really took my breathe away..

my blank canvas

When I purchased my ipod, it resembled a blank canvas. It brought me back to a memory of my brother just before he would start a new painting. My brother is an abstract painter. He is 22 years old and from as far back as I can remember he has been creating masterpieces out of anything and everything. I see my ipod as a masterpiece in the making. With his paintbrush in hand, he slowly began to create what was to be a beautiful piece. Every song on my ipod just like every brush stroke adds to the final product. My ipod is the soundtrack to my life. Music fills my heart with feeling, passion, and excitement just as a blank canvas does for my brother. My ipod is my blank canvas.